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  'EVISCERATED PANDA - A METAL TALE' COMPETITION WINNERS ANNOUNCED
23rd August 2012

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We got four competition copies of 'Eviscerated Panda - A Metal Tale' by Sarah Tipper and all you had to do to win one of them was answer the simple question below.

Who is the lead singer of Eviscerated Panda?

The answer of course was 'Nick' and the four winners were:

Russ Whitlam
Dave Williams
Julia Johnson
Lisa Petersen

Congratulations - your books are on the way to you.

This is author Sarah Tipper's first book, and what a fantastic book it is. The story tells the story of the band including all the trials and tribulations of life while at the same time being in a band who are trying to make it into the big time – love, hate, lust and loss are mixed in with the tales of good and bad gigs and promoters are all served up here with a smattering of comedy to bind the whole tale together.

And here's an extract from the book for your emjoyment.

A Girl's Guide to Metal by Cleo Howard

If you've only recently started listening to metal (hello *waves horns*, you have made a great choice, nice to have you on board the crazy train) there might be some things that need explaining. Maybe you've never done some of the great fun metal activities, maybe you need wardrobe advice or maybe you've got a problem in your life of love. All these are covered in this guide and what's more they're covered in leather and then studded. Hell yes!

If you are a boy and are reading this guide loads of the stuff in here is relevant to you and it's always good to get the perspective of the opposite gender. If you are a boy you can wee standing up at festivals and I will hold that against you just a teeny, teeny bit. However, if you have lovely long hair or tattoos or own Slayer's South of Heaven album I will forgive you.

If you are a panda and you're reading this then wow! I knew you guys were secretly very clever and I know that you eat things other than bamboo when we're not looking. Keep up the nice work with the eye make-up you cuddly looking but dangerous fluffy chaps. Reader, the highway to hell awaits you. I'd imagine there isn't anything you'd rather do.

The Music

These ten albums are essential listening.

AC/DC - Back in Black. From the first metallic 'Donggggg!!!!' of 'Hells Bells' to the final and masterful assertion that 'Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution' this album is superb.

Iron Maiden – Iron Maiden. It's no coincidence that Phantom of the Opera was used to advertise Lucozade. This album could heal the sick.

Judas Priest – British Steel. You don't have to be old to be wise enough to recognise that this is a classic album.

Megadeth – So far so good so what. This album has so much energy you'd think it's been eating golden syrup. I love angry Dave. If he wasn't ginger would he still be so angry?

Metallica- Kill 'em all. Sadly Cliff Burton did not live long enough but he did leave this wonderful legacy that kick started a chain reaction of what would become thrash metal.

Ozzy Osbourne – Ozzmosis. You should be careful not to store this near less good albums or there may be a net movement of awesomeness in the direction of the less good albums.

Pantera – Vulgar Display of Power. What do you call Pantera in just their underpants with daffodils sticking out of them? A vulgar display of flowers!

Danzig – Danzig. This album should be kept where you can see it. It's so dark and twisted it might sneak off and do mischief.

Bolt Thrower – In Battle There Is No Law. Just look at the cover. You need this in your life.

Suicidal Tendencies – Join The Army. If this can't recruit you to a life of listening to metal then there is no hope.

Metal subgenres.

You might find it fun to split metal up into sub-types. If so you were probably the kind of kid who put all their felt tips away in colour order. Anyway, here are some subtypes of metal and suggestions for listening. Thrash Metal (Nuclear Assault, Anthrax, Kreator), Death Metal (Death, Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death), Heavy Metal (Motörhead, Black Sabbath, Manowar) Industrial Metal (Nine Inch Nails, Ministry, Rammstein).

Metal fans also tend to appreciate Punk (be it British such as Sub-humans, Anti-Nowhere League, The Damned or North American such as Minor Threat, Black Flag, The Ramones) and Goth (The Sisters of Mercy, The Cure, Alien Sex Fiend).

I'm bored already and we haven't even covered black metal and power metal. Just listen to what you like, it doesn't matter if your computer wants you to specify a genre when uploading music.

The Fashion

Black band T shirts. Get some, wear them. Admire those belonging to other people. Use them to start conversations that lead to friendships and much more. Choose T shirts of your favourite bands. Don't wear a T shirt of a band you know nothing about, you'll be unable to talk to other fans about it. Gigs are a good place to buy T shirts because then they are also a souvenir. The band's official website is a good place to look and rare T shirts are often sold on ebay.

Avoid buying bootleg T shirts outside gigs, these are always poor quality and bands need the income from the merchandise they sell to continue recording and touring.

Do not tumble dry your T shirts too hot or they'll shrink. There are girlie T shirts available quite often nowadays but you might need to buy men's T shirts if they aren't. This is okay if you are tallish but you will probably find they are too long if you're short. If you are short you could cut them to the right length and hem them (ask your Nan for help). Swearing and graphic images on T shirts is fine in appropriate situations like rock pubs, but not when going for a job interview or visiting a nursing home.

Horns. Although not an item of clothing horns are a basic way to display you are a metal fan. Places to show your horns are when meeting a fellow metal fan and at gigs, especially when requested by the band. Places to not throw the horns are garden centres and appraisal meetings at work (although there may be exceptions, depending on what your job is).

Jeans. There are lots of styles to choose from. Flares can be worn with a Misfits T shirt for a nice homage to Cliff Burton. Black tight stretch jeans are favoured by thrash and death metal fans and by goths but can be unflattering if you're a Whole Lotta Rosie. Tight stretch jeans with ankle zips are favoured by people with no taste in trousers. Boot cut jeans tend to be flattering on most body shapes. Nu-metal parallel cut jeans are comfortable. Leather jeans can be very uncomfortable in hot weather.

Don't do the vacuuming in flares or parallel cut jeans. You will spend half the time vacuuming and un-vacuuming the bottom of your trousers. Also be careful on really wet days that this type of trouser doesn't soak up lots of water and fall down.

Studs and studded belts. Get some studs and put them on anything at all, underpants, nightdresses, nothing is not improved by the addition of studs. You can wear a studded belt just as you would a normal belt, threaded through all the belt loops on your trousers to keep your trousers up. Or, you can wear a wide studded belt with two or three rows of studs around your hips. Bullet belts can also be worn around your hips but they are heavy so ensure this doesn't result in your trousers falling down. You could also wear two studded belts, ideally in two different colours, loosely slung around your jeans by threading them through one or two of the belt loops on your trousers or skirt. Jodie Marsh wore two studded belts in a criss-cross arrangement as a top when looking for a husband. She may have been planning to use them to lasso any suitable quarry that came within striking distance. Until further research has been done this is not advised.

Tattoos and Piercings. Think very carefully before either of these. You will meet drunken old men in pubs who tell you that they regret all their tattoos. Just because they were too daft to decide what they really wanted doesn't mean you will be but don't rush into anything. Piercings will leave a scar if you decide to remove them at a later date so don't have these done without considering the possible impact it could have on your body. Don't get your tongue pierced because your boyfriend saw Pulp Fiction and has offered to pay for it. Also think about your future career plans when choosing where and what to have pierced and tattooed. Go to a reputable tattooist or piercer. Do what they recommend for aftercare.

Hair. Women can have any colour and style of hair. However, as in mainstream society long is favoured. Men generally opt for long hair because it is not favoured in mainstream society.

Leather and pleather. Leather is lovely, smells wonderful and is very long lasting. A leather skirt can last decades and not look dated if you buy a plain one. If you have ethical reasons for not wanting to wear leather or are on a budget then PVC or pleather is good too.

Waistcoats. Wear with caution. It's mainly only bikers that look good in waistcoats. A denim waistcoat covered in patches is still a very popular look in Germany and if the patches are sewn on neatly and are well-chosen it can look good.

Fringing and tassels. If you're tempted to wear anything featuring these I suggest you check your calendar. Is it Nineteen-Eighty-Five? No? Then take it off. Take if off now and we'll say no more about it.

Double denim. This should be avoided unless you want to look like Status Quo in the Nineteen-seventies. At this time Rick Parfitt was well worth a second look so you decide.

Other accessories. Band logo patches can be sewn onto bags to metal them up a bit, scarves with skull prints can be worn round your neck if it's cold or on your head if it's hot to avoid sunstroke, fishnet tights or coloured tights can liven up an otherwise dull outfit.

Advanced metal fashion. If you've decided metal is for you then you could go shopping in Camden (or on the internet if you live really far from London). Put together your own look by trying on black skirts and dresses, leather, PVC, velvet, corsets, and then add some colour to your wardrobe. The most popular metal colours are red and purple but you can wear any colour with black. You will also need a white school shirt and a tie for wearing to AC/DC tribute band gigs. Some of Vivienne Westwood and Alexander McQueen's clothing is amazing if you can afford it and if not there is always DIY fashion, adding studs, patches and safety pins to basic inexpensive items. Heavy Metal capsule wardrobe. This could consist of a band T shirt, a black skirt, black leggings or tights, black nail varnish and eyeliner, black leather jacket, black boots, a studded belt and a necklace with a skull on.

No beige ever.

Gigs

Check listings for your favourite venues regularly so you don't miss anything. Alice Cooper make-up should be practised in advance. It's easy to slip from Alice to panda. At some gigs cool accessories are sold. You might be able to get battery operated light up horns at AC/DC or red spotted neckerchiefs at The Wurzels. Generally you'll enjoy gigs much more if you are familiar with the bands' music so try and listen to some of the support acts stuff before you go. Gigs are best when you are with a group of friends who love the band as much as you do.

Festivals

At Festivals, don't wander about in the camping area with your loo roll in your hand, you will see someone you really fancy. Do get used to men weeing all over the place. The penis envy will wear off after you get home. Festival comedown is inevitable. Make sure you have something good to look forward to when you get home, like a big cake, a new tattoo or a gig to go to. Leather or PVC skirts are good at festivals as they can be wiped clean.

Most women agree that camping sucks. Although, it's nice to wake up still wearing last night's clothes for a reason other than being too drunk to take them off. Camping happens outdoors and is most often cold and wet. However, it doesn't suck as much as not going to festivals does. Listen to AC/DC's 'Let's get it up' while erecting your tent. If you can afford to stay in a hotel and avoid camping then do so.

The less make up you wear when you're out all day, the less awful it looks later. Avoid sunburn. Wear a hat, cap or bandana. You will also need a big jumper or cardigan as it will get cold at night. Queue for the toilet before you really, really need to go. Not everyone can be at the front, why do bands demand everyone get down the front right now? It's not possible. Maybe because shouting 'I want to see everyone staying approximately where they are, because they've probably chosen to stand there because that's where they wanted to stand' isn't a great rousing thing to shout.

Metal Love and Sex

Generally metal guys tend to be open minded. Do whatever you want to do. It's your body. You have freedom to do what you want and freedom from doing anything you'd rather not. Don't forget this.

Generally the less heavy types of heavy metal address the issues of love and sex more than the very heavy types of metal. I can only think of Flotsam and Jetsam's 'Hammerhead' as an example of a thrash song about sex but I'd be pleased to hear of some others.

Sometimes you might think a song is about sex when it isn't. AC/DC sometimes seem to sing about sex but really it's gambling (for instance 'Big Jack', from the Black Ice album) and then you think they're singing about gambling but actually it's sex and gambling ('The Jack'). Also, 'Sink The Pink' is about pool and sex and 'Let's Make It' is about just sex. This is confusing and should be kept in mind if you ever meet Brian Johnson and he offers to accompany you in an activity.

When Glenn Danzig is singing about a juju bone it isn't his penis. When David St Hubbins sings about his pink torpedo it is. Kiss's Love gun is a penis but probably a sub-standard one as they claim 'Girl I can make you feel okay'. I already feel okay so I'll pass thanks, Kiss.

Zodiac Mindwarp is the very best at this kind of hyperbolic sexual boasting. You aren't meant to take it literally and get all offended. If he had indeed had twenty-thousand women, he'd needed to have slept with a woman a day from when he was born until he was fifty-five. Compare this to Gene Simmons who claims to have slept with four thousand and six hundred women. Gene is sixty-one years old. If we assume he began having sex at sixteen then that's sixteen thousand, four hundred and twenty-five days of being sexually active, he'd have had to have slept with zero point twenty-eight of a woman per day, so it's do-able and he might well have done. At the very least he's done the maths.

Zodiac Mindwarp's lightning rod is his penis, as is his gun, his six-string schizo psycho rod, his sex machine-gun, his key to your ignition, his Frankenstein, his chainsaw, his king of love and his criminal, that he requests you set free. I think Lordi's Wake the snake is genital based. Consult with a friend if you aren't sure. Other sexual showing off is done by WASP in the song Animal, although sadly this doesn't get played live anymore as Blackie Lawless has got religion. He also broke the beige rule at Wacken in 2010 and wore some very odd footwear. Type O Negative are very frisky, especially My Girlfriend's Girlfriend and Danzig is often singing about sex or publishing comics with nakedness in.

The best music to have sex to is Type O Negative, Danzig or Napalm Death. Do not try Lawnmower Deth or you will laugh it out. Avoid Rush or you may fall asleep before reaching a successful conclusion. Just avoid Rush. The most acceptable metal men to fancy are Tom Araya, Zakk Wylde, Peter Steele and Rob Flynn. The most unacceptable men to fancy are Rick Wakeman, anyone with a mullet and David Hasslehoff (okay, so he has leather trousers and longish hair but he is not heavy metal). If your man plays air guitar during sex try to position yourself in such a way that it will enhance your enjoyment of the experience rather than hinder it. If all goes well you could have a Heavy Metal wedding, with skull print tablecloths and confetti in the shape of bats.

Metal Activities

Listening to music and going to gigs are obviously the best activities. Going to a pub that plays rock and metal is another.

Consider being in a band, have you got any musical talent? Are you motivated to get some? If so do this but remember that being in a band takes a real commitment, you'll have to practice often, co-operate with other people and be confident enough to sing or play on stage.

Why not build a small shrine to Lemmy, Ozzy or your favourite band?

The pants game is simple to play, just substitute pants for a part of a band name, for instance, Iron Pants or Pants of God. You can substitute pants for another rude word.

Wouldn't it be great if there was a heavy metal version of Hello magazine? It could be called Horns and feature Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne. Why not write one.

Metal Myths Dispelled.

When you don a black T Shirt people might be discomfited and might try to dissuade you from listening to Metal. Ignore them. You won't grow out of it. You will be able to get a job. Body piercing jewellery is not made of magnetic metals so you will not be inconvenienced by magnets. You won't necessarily start sacrificing goats (but you can if you like, their cheese is horrible).

Suggestions for Further Reading.

Hell Bent For Leather by Seb Hunter.

White Line Fever: Lemmy The Autobiography by Ian Kilminster.

I Am Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne.

For advanced reading try Fucked by Rock - The Unspeakable Confessions of “Zodiac Mindwarp” – Mark Manning. This is not a nice glossy coffee table book and is very dark so don't read this unless you want a peek at some proper depravity.

Click here for MetalTalk's review of this great book...






 
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"It's gonna be heavy and it's gonna be loud!!! Bang your heads, we are coming for you!..."

aaron keylock 17 YEAR OLD GUITAR HERO AARON KEYLOCK SIGNS TO MASCOT LABEL GROUP
One of the most exciting and brightest young talents in the UK, Aaron is a mesmerising live performer with over 200 shows to his name...

danko jones DANKO JONES RETURN TO LONDON ON MARCH 18th
The band bring their own brand of bare-bones hard rock that fits well into the paths paved by such bands as Motörhead, and The Ramones...

bruce dickinson BREAKING NEWS: IRON MAIDEN SINGER BRUCE DICKINSON UNDERGOES CANCER TREATMENT
Sometimes a news item breaks that shakes you to your foundations...

rock goddess ROCK GODDESS ANNOUNCE FIRST LONDON DATE IN OVER THIRTY YEARS
The waiting is over. The reformed South London hard rock trio have announced details of their first London concert in over 30 years...

nigel glockler BREAKING NEWS: SAXON DRUMMER NIGEL GLOCKLER PRONOUNCED 100% RECOVERED WITH ZERO DAMAGE
"This means that I am okay to get back to work, but I am told to ease back into it and on my own timeframe..."

scorpions SCORPIONS STREAMING PREVIEW OF EVERY TRACK FROM 'RETURN TO FOREVER', PLUS NEW VIDEO RIGHT HERE
The new Scorpions album, 'Return To Forever' is just days away from its European release now...

carl palmer CARL PALMER'S ELP LEGACY, MARTIN TURNER PLAYS THE MUSIC OF WISHBONE ASH AND THE STRAWBS ON SUPER TOUR 2015
Carl Palmer is a drummer's drummer. A consummate professional, a brilliant technician and a dynamic showman...

geilo MetalTalk COLUMNIST ROGER FAUSKE HEADS OFF ON A TREK ACROSS FROZEN NORWAY
Our heroic voyager will travel over 100km on skis raising money for three worthy charities...

quireboys THE QUIREBOYS RELEASE NEW ALBUM 'ST CECILIA AND THE GYPSY SOUL' ON 30TH MARCH 2015
The album will be part of a luxurious 4CD set, which includes 'Halfpenny Dancer' in the package...

rick springfield RICK SPRINGFIELD TO RELEASE NEW CD/DVD 'STRIPPED DOWN' ON 9th MARCH 2015
"Now, if you can't make it to one of my 2015 Stripped Down dates live, you can enjoy it in the comfort of your own living room...naked, if you want..."

turbowolf TURBOWOLF RELEASE BLISTERING NEW SINGLE 'NINE LIVES'
"Nine Lives is a song about making the most of our limited time; about living with no regrets; about changing our attitudes towards death and about life..."

arch enemy ARCH ENEMY ANNOUNCE NEW LIVE DATES FOR 2015
European fans will see Arch Enemy again in late April. The band are coming back with support from US Metal force Unearth and Drone from Germany...

toto TOTO DEBUT NEW SINGLE 'HOLY WAR'
Toto have announced a March 20th release date for their new studio album 'Toto XIV' in Europe...

motley crue EXCLUSIVE: MOTLEY CRUE PAY TRIBUTE TO GARY GLITTER ON THE FINAL TOUR
Debauched rockers Motley Crue are currently in Japan performing their last Asian dates on their much publicised Final Tour...

music for nations LEGENDARY HEAVY METAL LABEL MUSIC FOR NATIONS IS BACK
As well as reissues, the label will be signing new artists for the first time in over a decade...

satyricon SATYRICON SIGNS WITH NAPALM RECORDS FOR RELEASE OF SPECTACULAR LIVE DVD
"It's not a live album. It's a celebration of what Satyricon stands for as a band..."

absolva ABSOLVA RELEASE NEW VIDEO FOR 'IN SOME WILD UNIVERSE' PLUS TOUR UPDATE
This video features the touring line-up of the band for 2015...

tytan TYTAN AND FRIENDS TO PLAY AT THE WEDFEST
Joining them will also be Midnight Messiah plus the promising young rocking sounds of Bad Touch, Knock Out Kaine and Piston...

rival sons RIVAL SONS WITHDRAW FROM SOUNDWAVE 2015
Australia will have to wait a little longer to see Rival Sons in the flesh as family matters take priority...

the answer HARDCORE SUPERSTAR WILL RELEASE NEW ALBUM 'HCSS' ON 20TH APRIL 2015
"This is nothing less than Hardcore Superstar coming full circle by showing our fans where we come from and what we still believe in..."

the answer THE ANSWER RELEASE BRAND NEW LYRIC VIDEO FOR TRACK 'LONG LIVE THE RENEGADES'
"The song is about just doing what you do best and having a bit of a bunker mentality..."

dead kennedys DEAD KENNEDYS ANNOUNCE UK AND EUROPE HEADLINE TOUR FOR JUNE 2015
US punk pioneers will bring their distincitve sound to four countries over ten dates...

carl sentance BREAKING NEWS: CARL SENTANCE ANNOUNCED AS NEW VOCALIST FOR NAZARETH
Persian Risk vocalist Carl Sentance replaces Linton Osbourne to start the next chapter for the Scottish hard rockers...

rockingham firefest BREAKING NEWS: ROCKINGHAM RELIGHTS THE FIREFEST; GOTTHARD, DAN REED, STAN BUSH AND MORE ANNOUNCED
The AOR flag will be raised high yet again over Nottingham Rock City...

sven dirkschneider U.D.O. ANNOUNCE DIRKSCHNEIDER'S SON AS NEW DRUMMER
"His style of playing drums is fresh and really grooves heavily. It simply is exactly what we need for U.D.O..."

pentagram PENTAGRAM RE-SIGNS WITH PEACEVILLE RECORDS - ALBUM RECORDING UNDERWAY
Through four decades of adversity and triumph, Pentagram have become a legendary international act...

uriah heep URIAH HEEP 2015 UK TOUR ANNOUNCED
This tour follows on from the release of the band's acclaimed album 'Outsider' which enjoyed excellent reviews...

godsmack GODSMACK VOCALIST SULLY ERNA TO MAKE AN ONLINE POKER COMEBACK
For Godsmack fans this could be disheartening as Erna shifts his attention from music to poker...

heidevolk HEIDEVOLK LAUNCH VIDEO FOR NEW TRACK 'WINTER WOEDE'; NEW ALBUM ON THE WAY
The album and video mark the debut of the band's newest members, Kevin Vruchtbaert on guitar and Lars Vogel on vocals...

quo convention FIRST EVER STATUS QUO FAN CLUB CONVENTION ANNOUNCED
There will be live music, very special guests and a packed programme this October for this very special celebration...

queensryche THUNDER CONFIRMED AS VERY SPECIAL GUESTS TO ZZ TOP AT WEMBLEY ARENA PLUS MINI UK TOUR ANNOUNCED
The group's first studio album in six years, 'Wonder Days', reminds us why Thunder are now more revered than ever before...

queensryche QUEENSRŸCHE TO TOUR EUROPE AND RELEASE NEW ALBUM IN 2015
It's a busy year for Queensrÿche with headline shows and festival appearances before the new album release...

dir en grey dir en grey RETURN FOR TWO EXCLUSIVE SHOWS
The Islington O2 Academy will be the scene for Japanese avant-garde Metal in May...

unleashed SWEDISH LEGENDS UNLEASHED REVEAL ALBUM TITLE AND ARTWORK
The founders of the Viking Death Metal movement are back and as brutal as ever...

status quo BREAKING NEWS: STATUS QUO ANNOUNCE 'AQUOSTIC' ROYAL ALBERT HALL GIG IN APRIL
This is the show that wowed the listeners of BBC Radio 2, plus those lucky enough to be in the intimate surroundings of Roundhouse in October...

monument MONUMENT ANNOUNCE UK TOUR
You want great British Metal? You've got it with Monument's headline tour this Spring...

santa cruz SANTA CRUZ REVEAL LYRIC VIDEO FOR 'MY REMEDY'
Get a taste of the new album with 'My Remedy', the third single to be released...

Shattered sun LEGENDARY BRITISH MELODIC ROCKERS FM RETURN WITH 'HEROES & VILLAINS' ON APRIL 17TH
"We're on a roll! Some of the tracks on this album are better than anything that the band has ever produced, and Steve's voice is as good as ever..."

nightwish NIGHTWISH ANNOUNCE ONLY UK DATE THIS YEAR WITH ARCH ENEMY SUPPORTING
"Who would have thought about headlining at Wembley Arena one day when we were starting our UK touring history..."

quireboys THE QUIREBOYS GO UNPLUGGED AND PERSONAL: ACOUSTIC DATES ANNOUNCED
After last year's highly acclaimed unplugged tour, The Quireboys are pleased to announce a very intimate string of evenings early 2015...

killit KILLIT UNLEASH DEBUT VIDEO AND ANNOUNCE FIRST EVER LIVE SHOW
'Shut It Down' is the first single from the album and is out now and available...

state villains STATE VILLAINS TO RELEASE SECOND EP IN SPRING
State Villains have an honesty that harkens back to an era of integrity and a distinct lack of gimmicks...

chris slade BREAKING NEWS: CHRIS SLADE IS BACK IN AC/DC
Chris will rejoin the legendary hard rockers for their appearance at the 57th annual Grammy Awards as well as the band's upcoming tour...

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